Semalam Nazmi buat aku sedar 2 perkara.

Perkara 1: Budak kecik belum Mumayyiz amat kiut. Rasa macam nak je ada sorang dua.

Alasan:

Ceritanya gini.

Pukul 11 malam. Nazmi taknak tido. Dia suruh aku bukak Ultraman kat TV. Abang aku ada device apa tah. Jolok pendrive kat benda alah tu, pastu jolok benda alah tu kat TV, pastu bole tengok macam macam. Lepas Ultraman Mebius, Ultraman Nexus. Gaia, Dyna, toksah cerita.

Lepas Ultraman, Upin Ipin.

Mak dia pening kepala suruh tido. Aku dok guling2 atas tilam depan TV sambil main game. Kadang2 layan Nazmi.

Dekat2 15 minit baru mak dia dapat goda si budak kecik tu pegi tido.

Masalahnya, Nazmi petang tu dia dah tido dari sebelum Asar sampai Maghrib. Nafsu tido langsung takde.

Aku dengar dari luar bilik, sambil dia tengah guling2 atas katil dia, dia zikir weh. ZIKIR!

Serius.

Dia sebut "Ya Allah" bertalu talu. Aku perasan dari pukul 11 setengah gitu sampai pukul 1 pagi lebih gitu dia dok zikir.

Mak dia nak tido pun payah.

Nazmi: Ya Allah... Ya Allah.....

Mak dia: Dah la Nazmi... Dah 10 ribu kali dah mu sebut Ya Allah ni.....

Nazmi: (senyap kejap.)..... Ya Allah.... Ya Allah.....

Mak dia: Nazmi! Dah! Mama tutup lampu kang!

Nazmi: Tak nak! Ya Allah....... Ya Allah...

Mak dia: Mama tutup lampu!

Nazmi: Tak nak! Tak nak! Ya Allah.....

Mak dia: (tutup terus lampu)

Nazmi: (menangis kuat gila.)

Mak dia: Mama suruh tido tu tido la....

Nazmi: (Meraung.)

Mak dia: (Mengalah. Bukak balik lampu.)

Nazmi: (Tangisan beransur kurang. Sambil menangis sket2,) Ya Allah...... Ya Allah......

Tak tau sapa. Mak dia or bapak dia: (aku rasa dia belai Nazmi kot. Aku dengar bunyi pampers kena tepuk.)


Macam nakal bole tak? Hahahhaa. ish.... Ni yang buat aku rasa nak ada anak neh.

Pengajaran pertama: Budak kecik 3 tahun pun ingat Tuhan..... Aku hari hari dok meronggeng rokiah neh ntah bila la nak tobat.......




Perkara 2: Budak kecik belum Mumayyiz buat aku loya. Buat aku nak stay single sampai mampus.


Alasan:

Ceritanya gini.

Petang.

Dok lepak kat living room sambil main chess online.

Adik aku Hafiz, atau nama glemer yang dia selalu guna nak komen kat blog aku, Pokpih jadi coach aku. Aku dok bersila kat lantai sambil bersandar kat kaki sofa. Pokpih baring atas sofa. Nazmi berguling guling dengan Pokpih. Nasib baik Aku dan Pokpih begitu fokus. Langsung takde efek terhadap konsentrasi menganalisis posisi permainan.

Nazmi tepuk2 kepala aku, layan kan aje.

Nazmi dok tanya "apa ni" selang 5 saat, aku layan je "Ni laptop"

Tapi bila Nazmi kentut, konsentrasi aku mula terjejas. Pokpih lagi hebat. Pokpih menerima impak terus daripada sumber berkenaan. Bau dia......... Tuhan je tau.

Tiba2, Nazmi bangun menuju bilik tidur.

Senyap.

Sunyi.

Aman buat beberapa ketika. Fokus....Fokus......

Tiba tiba, Nazmi datang lagi.

Kali ini dengan bau yang lebih hebat dan ekstra package. Bau dia... kaw kaw ho liao wooo... Ho ho ho......

Sah. Dia berak.

AAAAA!!!! Busuk gila weh..... Terus takleh fokus langsung.....

Nak mintak mak dia bersihkan, dia tengah tido.

Nak tunggu mak dia bangun, macam lama lagi je.

Bau dia pulak makin lama makin kencang.

Terus aku angkat Nazmi, bawak pegi toilet.

Aku sedaya upaya cari jalan nak bukak lampin dia. Tak pernah2 aku pakaikan lampin untuk budak kecik. Aku yang pakai ada la. Tu pun lampin wanita. Eh, orang panggil benda tu lampin ke? Ah biar la. Satu konsep.

Melilau aku dok belek2 bontot Nazmi nak cari jalan bukak lampin dia. Serius weh. Lampin sekarang dah semakin berteknologi tinggi. Kompleks gila nak bukak lampin.

Akhirnya aku jumpa jugak jalan kebenaran untuk bukak lampin dia. Slow slow aku turunkan lampin dia. Takut jatuh tahi dia.

Bila aku turunkan je lampin dia, tu dia...... Tahi coklat pekat kaw kaw ho liao menjelma. Besar plak tu. Besar penumbuk aku siot. Aku loya. Nak muntah. Nazmi tengok muka aku tengah tahan muntah, dia gelak evil. Gelak besar cam Superman Action dalam cerita Krayon Shin Chan. Terus aku campak lampin bertahi masuk plastik sampah dalam jamban tu.

Selesai satu azab.

Tapi, azab paling getir menyusul.

Cebok. (Cebok=Basuh berak. Regional dialect Johor)

Aku pegi amek tisu kitchen yang cam kesat sket tu kat dapur banyak banyak. Pastu, aku tembak air menuju bontot dia pastu cebok guna tisu.

Tapi bila ingat balik Ustazah sekolah agama aku ajar bab menyucikan najis, dia kata kena hilang bau, warna ngan rasa.

Bau dah konfem ilang. Dah takde dah kaler coklat kat bontot dia.

Rasa. Hm....

Guna tisu mana boleh rasa weh. Isk..... Maka petang tadi, tangan kiri aku dah tak suci lagi. Tangan kiri aku dah cebok bontot yang lain dari bontot aku...... Isk.....

Aku meraung. Loya gila, campur geli pun ada. Nazmi gelak gelak.

Tiba tiba terdengar suara mak dia. Nasib baik dah bangun tido... Takyah aku pakaikan lampin untuk Nazmi....

First time aku cebok bontot budak belum Mumayyiz.

Sumpah scary gila... GELI WEH! Rasa nak stay single je pun ada tadi.

Pengajaran: Aku berterima kasih kat mak dan ayah aku yang dah tolong mencebok bontot aku dari lahir sampai aku reti cebok sendiri.

Post Jiwang Repost

If I have wings I would fly
Lifting my soul to the sky
If I have nine lives to live,
Wish I have you to be with
If I could make dreams come true
Of all the things I would do,
I know that I would be wishing for you....

(Juwita Suwito, Wishing for You)

New Moon poster got me thinking

I noticed something about the New Moon.

Look at the poster.





Why there is no black vampire?

Is it because no vampire wants to bite a black guy? Damn racist.

I asked Nashrah, a friend of mine, whether there are any black vampires. She said there is one, but he's one of the bad guys.

Double racist, if you ask me...... Hahaha


P/s: Watched Twilight recently... Still, couldn't bring myself to understand what's the fuss about the whole Twilight saga.

Aku menyirap.

Tipu je... :P


Bosan weh.

Cuti2 neh tetiba terbukak nafsu nak jawab soalan tag. Takkan takde kot? Kamon eberibadi...... Aku tau korang ada kan? haha...

Takde purpose pon post neh.

Just nak cakap kat gadis anak kucing pink, (Kau tahu sapa kau) aku da lame weh nak kontek kau. Ada bisnes proposal neh... Call tak dpt.. msg tak balas... ym invi.... twitter tak penah update... fb tak add aku, isk...........

Oh, buat first time dalam sejarah, aku tak balik kampung halaman time cuti sem. pindah umah nye pasal. Hari jumaat (kot) nak pegi JB. Mungkin singgah Batu Pahat.

Berbulu dengan Pakcik Kopiah pemandu Waja 1.6 Campro CPS. Dia nyaris buat aku eksiden kelmarin. Keluar kereta lutut lembik. Banyak2 near death experience, yang ni kot paling nyaris. Kalah time Pemandu Lori Dari Neraka.

Nak merepek apa lagi eh....?

Hmmmm......

Later lah.

Post ini ditujukan kepada budak kecik spesel di hati yang belum tahu membaca.

Seriously. Pok Wang rasa macam baru semalam mu keluar Nazmi.

Rasa macam semalam mak mu tunjuk gambar ultrasound mu, tunjuk gambar mu dalam perut mak mu. Doktor kata posisi mu tiap tiap kali dia ambik gambar mu, mu macam tengah sujud.

Rasa macam semalam Pok Wang tengok mu pakai baju penguin Che Aning bagi untuk mu. Rasa nak cubit2 je.

Rasa macam semalam mu menangis tengok Pok Wang. Pok Wang tak tahu pon sebab apa mu menangis tengok Pok Wang. Pok Wang besar sangat kot... Tak pon banyak jambang.

Rasa macam semalam mu sebut "bas eskepes" instead of bas ekspress.

...........

Sekarang, mu dah cuba solat. Walaupun rukuk mu belum belajar, janji sujud ada.

Sekarang, baju penguin mu dah tak muat. Tapi rasa nak cubit2 tu still ada.

Sekarang, mu dah tak menangis tengok Pok Wang. Nak bergusti pulak. Sakit tau Nazmi. Nak Auf... (Auf tu tiup tempat dia ketuk aku)

Sekarang macam macam mu dah reti sebut. Allahuakbar, Satu dua tiga sampai sepuluh, Air plane, Lori, macam macam lah. Nyanyi lagu Wonderpet pun boleh.


Sekarang mu dah tiga tahun.

From Slip of tongue

(Gambar Lama. Sekarang dia lagi kiut.)


Selamat Hari Lahir Muhamad Nazmi bin Muhamad Nazim.

Jangan nakal nakal. Jangan ikut sangat Pok Pih tu.




p/s: Sekarang menanti kedatangan Nur Muhamad Yaakob bin Muhamad Nazim. Nama mungkin berubah.

Request.

Baru baru ni Irfan buat hal. Aku dah jolok dia banyak kali, dia mintak lagi. Penat la bodoh. Dasar nafsu serakah.

Dah la sekali jolok mintak lapan jam.

skang ni dia dah main gila dengan aku. Aku belum tekan lagi dia da tekan.

Bodo betul.

Henpon kalo da usang memang camtu......Irfan tu nama henpon aku....

Malangnya Irfan da rosak...

Mula mula bateri dia cepat habis... Lama lama pastu aku tak tekan apa2 button pon, tetiba dia spam tekan 1 sampai henpon restart...

Aku saspek virus, so aku format memory card ngan henpon aku... tengok2 ada lagi prob tu... so hardware prob.... Circuit board dia kot... Isk....

So bila aku dah format henpon aku tu, ilang la suma no contacts dalam tu.....

Bole tak korang bagi no tepon korang kat aku? Hantar la ikut Facebook atau email.. Sms pon bole... tapi lambat la aku dapat no korang.... kalo korang tak kisah kena harass reply kat komen box ni pun takpe...

Tapi tolong la weh...... Hantar eh? Pleasee.... with whipped cream and two cherries on top pleasseee??



p/s: Sebab dah format memory card dan lupa nak backup, gambar2 kelakar suma dah ilang. MotherChud. How the funk aku nak update kelakar2.......

Obviously meaningless post number 2

I swear I was going to give this blog some proper, long, wholesome, update it deserves after being depressed for so long, but I left my memory card reader at Shah Alam. As a result, I can't post funny pictures. But no sweat. Here's what I found on the tube.

*******************************

You know Timbaland, don't you?

Who wouldn't know him? He's the one who made the most obvious grammar error in one of his song title and still top the charts.

"The way I are"....

Has he no compassion towards his previous English teachers' fragile nerves?

Anyway,

Somebody made a parody of that song.

P/s: Thinking of using this song for Methodology of Teaching Grammar microteaching next semester. Do you think it is appropriate........?

Obviously meaningless post.

It's 12 midnight.

At my brother's place.

Nazmi absolutely refuses to sleep, screaming for pizza.

Me?

I turned on the tv, but nobody's watching. Nujum Pak Belalang is airing. God knows how many times I have watched this classic, but it never failed to give me a giggle or two.

****************************

Been reading my previous posts.

To tell you the truth, I don't like them. It's friggin depressing that a dead man will die again from boredom.

The reason being the lack of update is because I haven't had the slightest mood to update Slip of Tongue.

Even if I did update this blog, it is mostly about depressing stuff. Things happened and for some reason, I forgot to do the thing that always keeps my emotions in check which is writing in this blog. Writing is indeed therapeutic. Beats seeing a counselor.

Now, I think I have had enough of being depressed. I also think that I have bored people who follow this blog long enough with my unstable raging emotions.

Happy Slip of Tongue will resume after this post. :)

Enlightenment

Finally, I have came to a realization that for all these while, I do not deserve her. Not even for one second.

She's way out of my league. Like WAAAY outta here.

What's more, I broke her trust.

Coz of that, some nutcase screwed her up.

She's mad at me.. I don't even know if we are on speaking terms again. Honestly, it doesn't look so promising for me.

I deserve that. She has every right to be mad at me for what I've done.

************************

Dear you,

If you are reading this, although this will not mean much to you, I am so sorry.

I was wrong.

I was stupid. And still is.

I've put my trust to the wrong person(s).

I'm sorry for your time wasted on me

I'm sorry for the tears you shed because of me.

If only things could become right again with this apology.

I wish it could.

I wish it could......

Writing anxiety buat aku buat kerja gila

Writing anxity tu tajuk research proposal aku. Mungkin tukar, mungkin tak tukar.

Submit esok ok.

Tapi baru buat setakat research problem statement. suku chapter 1. Lagi 3 chapter, baru setel. Nasib baik takyah construct questionnaire. Ambik yang dah buat.

Cam haram kan?

And the cherry on top of the icing is that my lecturer wants to see chapter 1 by 4 o' clock.

TODAY.

Real brilliant kan Safwan?

Tapi yang suweynya, tengah2 anxious nak buat benda alah ni tetiba ilham lain datang. Bodoh betul.

Baca je la poem kat bawah.


******************************


Aku tak perlukan teman wanita.

Aku tak perlukan kata-kata manja.
Tak perlu aku tahu aku disayangi setinggi mana.
Tak peduli pun aku tentang betapa rindunya si dia,
merepek itu semua.
Duniawi semata.

Tak kuasa aku jaga hatinya.
Tak guna aku setia padanya.
Tak ingin bebasnya aku dipenjara.
Buang masa, buang duit bermain permainan cinta.

Haish....

Tapi kan Safwan,
Tak perlu diri sendiri di tipu...

Sebenarnya dalam hati, aku ingin rasa di rindu
Aku perlu ingin diperlu
Kadangkala teringin dipanggil "OH KEKANDA!"
Mungkin keluar sama - sama bila ada masa.

Hai...
Cinta oh cinta..
Tak hidup aku dengan kau,
Tak hidup aku tanpa kau.

Dangerous food.

A couple of weeks back, I was hanging out with my brother Hafiz it Al Rafi Bistro in Section 18.


Out of nowhere, he laughed and showed me this.





Whoa.

Better not eat this. Otherwise chains might pop out of nowhere and tie you up.

Sociolinguistic's thought paper really did some damage to my brain.

I was hanging out somewhere in Section 7 Shah Alam. Spotted this banner, pulled over and snapped a picture of a " Word Borrowing FAIL".

INSTRUKTUR.

Can somebody tell me why in the fuck's name did he borrow the word "instructor" when there's a perfect "jurulatih" word in Malay language?


OI! Jurulatih is not classy, is it?


I really really hate seeing BM being bastardized in such a way.

"This is language change. We modify BM a bit so it sounds cool, and get high status. We are changing BM for the better, this is!"

Yeah right.

It's a downright abomination.

What made these kind of people think that by borrowing and modifying words from English makes BM cool and get high status?

That shit bastardized BM.


You might be asking why I'm such a fuss about this.

The reason is I love BM. I love it as if it is my own daughter. Try having somebody making a bastard out of my daughter and tell me how you'd feel.

Shut up and listen.

To readers: Do you understand now what my problem is about?

To You: Let's not play games anymore. I've had enough learning about games people play in Transactional Analysis theory (Counseling theory).

Poem ni untuk Emir Nashriq bin Radhuan.

Khas untuk kau. Thanks sebab still kawan ngan aku dari start kita form 2 sampai skang. Dan aku harap kita kawan sampai mati. Lagi satu aku harap sajak ni tak kedengaran macam gay.


*************************************


Aku ingat lagi first time kita jumpa

Kau ingat tak peristiwa itu?
Time tu kita form two.
Baru nak start tahun baru, semester baru.
Tengah hari tu memang panas.
Sampai perut aku pon memulas.

Cikgu perhimpunan tu maybe Encik Fauzi
Dia suruh duduk, tanda dia nak bebel panjang lagi.

Aku rasa time tu kau letih benar agaknya
Tak sempat aku nak duduk kau dah bersila.
Tapi dan dan tu jugak bontot aku main gila,
Tak tahan punya pasal, kau aku terkentut kat muka.

Aku kentut slow je!
Tapi aku terperasan kau punya air muka.
Mula mula muka kau ceria,
Tiba tiba berkerut kerut, penuh tanda tanya.

"Safwan, kau bau apa apa?"
"Tak pun! Kau bau apa?"
"Ntah la weh. Bau busuk gila! Macam bangkai pun ada!
Kau kentut ke?"

Perlu ke kau tanya?
Aku terdiam seribu bahasa.
Aku rasa kau pun tahu jawapannya.
Pecah perut sial, kita ketawa!
Sampai merah kau nye muka!

Itu cerita kita time form two.
Laju kan masa berlalu?
Rasa macam baru semalam benda tu berlaku.
Kau ingat lagi tak hari tu?

Hari tu kau jadi kawan sampai mati aku.


P/s: Adil, E.G, Azli, Adly, Izham, Wan, Azim Yunus, ngan sapa2 je yang nak bahan aku pasnih, korang jangan jeles! Korang pun kawan aku. Cuma aku tak kentut kat muka korang je.

Dear You

If it's me, say it's me.

Don't leave me in the dark.

To you, that it is just a fact you withhold,

But to me, omission is a lie not being told.

Should not be banned commercial

Found these commercials on a desktop in a cybercafe at Section 2 Shah Alam.

Told Sakinah about these, and she said these commercial were sponsored by Saudi Arabian government. Don't really know about that claim though.

But it would do much good if Malaysia has this kind of commercial on the telly.







Kinda makes you want to repent, doesn't it?


P.s: This entry is not meant to declare war or being sarcastic against anybody.I'm not a holy man myself. Just a thought worth sharing.

Si Bangang, Si Jahil dan Pakcik yang Wise.

Arakian bermula satu ceritera dahulu kala, hatta Si Jahil tengah drive MALAM MALAM dari Ampang ke Shah Alam ikut MRR2, terlihat olehnya minyak dah cecah E, maka Si Jahil hinggap sebentar di Stesen Minyak Esso Cheras.

Hatta dijadikan ceritera, Si Jahil terlupa duit dah takda, so dia withdraw dalam Esso. Semasa tunggu turn withdraw di ATM, ternampaklah oleh Si Jahil akan Si Bangang bersama aweknya tengah isi minyak. Si Bangang operate pam, awek Si Bangang dok lepak dalam kereta.

Si Bangang itu berambut seperti ayam. Pakai sunglasses tengah tengah malam. Dalam hati Si Jahil, berkata olehnya "Jahil jahil aku pon takde la bangang cam Bangang tu pakai sunglasses malam malam. What the funk kan? Kesian awek tu. Ko hot tapi jantan ko otak dia tiga suku. Tak center lak tu. Baik la ko kapel ngan Muhamad Safwan. Sah sah lah hidup ko bahagia pastu. Dah la hensem. Sigh~"

Si Jahil terus perhati Si Bangang isi minyak. Si Jahil terdengar bunyi "dush" kat pam Si Bangang. Dah abis isi la tu.

Si Jahil masih scanning lagi awek si Bangang.

Tiba tiba, Si Bangang masuk dalam kereta, dengan pam masih dalam tangki minyak kereta, dia masuk gear satu dan terus chow.

POM!!!!

Bunyi salur pam minyak putus. Hatta saki baki minyak dalam salur tumpah menyembah bumi. Si Bangang terpinga pinga.Keluar teruslah akan dia dari kereta, cabut pam dari tangki kereta, taruk balik dekat pam tu, dan terus blah macam takde apa apa. Awek dia gelak gelak.

"Dah memang bangang tu bangang la jugak....Sabor je la....Seriously, awek Si Bangang, pintu hati Muhamad Safwan terbuka luas untuk kamu." Si Jahil bermonolog, simpati terhadap awek Si Bangang.

Hatta setelah kira kira sepuntung rokok lamanya, Si Jahil setel withdraw duit, bayar minyak kat kaunter dan terus pegi kereta nak isi minyak.

"Shit. Jauh la pulak pam ngan tangki. Kena ejas sket ni."

Teruslah si Jahil masuk dalam kereta, nak ejas parking. Gopoh benar Si Jahil nak adjust parking, dia terlepas clutch laju laju. Kereta melompat, enjin mati.

Kunci dipulas. Enjin tak hidup. Langsung takde spark.

Sekonyong konyong, kunci turun, Alarm trigger, dan berbunyi kuat nak mampus. Enjin masih tak hidup. Spark takde.

"Dah la kat kunci kereta memang takde remote alarm. Dah rosak 3 tahun dulu. Camne nak betulkan?" Dia menyumpah nyumpah dalam hati. Si Jahil memang Jahil bab bab kereta.

Hatta Si Jahil buat muka puppy eyes attack ala2 Shin Chan nak mintak biskut beruang dari Misae dengan harapan ada manusia hati mulia nak menolong insan Jahil tapi hensem itu.

Tapi, harapan hancur berkecaian. Si Jahil sedar, Chivalry is dead. Si Jahil mencari cari calon sesuai untuk minta tolong.

Hatta terlihat olehnya seorang pakcik tua. Satu hari lagi, cukup seratus tahun umur pakcik ni kalau di tenung gayanya.

"Pak Cik, boleh tolong saya? Saya tak reti...." Si Jahil merintih meminta tolong. Tapi di sudut hati memang tak percaya pakcik ni boleh tolong ke tidak. Dah lah tua, tengok gaya macam rumah dia dah kata pegi, kubur kata meh la lepak sini.

Hatta akubat kasihan akan Si Jahil, Pak cik itu mintak kunci kereta si Jahil. Si jahil bagi kunci. Pak Cik itu hatta masuk dalam kereta, tekan satu punat hitam kecil bawah stereng, sambil start kereta. Alarm stop bunyi, enjin terus hidup.

Macam magik.

"Tu alarm override switch tu jangan lupa letaknya mana. Next time if it happens again buat la macam pakcik buat tadi."

Lalu Pak Cik terus blah.

Si Jahil rasa bersalah. Dia tengok pakcik tadi sebelah mata. Rupa rupanya dia sebalik urat urat tua yang makin keras, tulang yang makin reput, dia menyimpan seribu ilmu. Siap Code Mixing English and Malay language tu.

Lagi satu Si Jahil sedar, Tuhan balas cash dosa Si Jahil mengumpat Si Bangang sorang sorang.....

P/s: Entri ni merepek. aku tau. update semata mata nak update.

On my way here

Clay Aiken - On my way here.

I'd rather try and fail
A thousand times denied
At least, whenever you feel pain
It lets you know that you're alive

Clay, lagu kau menusuk kalbu.

normally i don't do this....

But today I'll make an exception. I'm plugging someone's blog.

If you have been following this blog since the day it was created, you might have noticed that I rarely made grammar errors back then. And some of the sentences sound a bit British.

That, my friends are because of two things. Microsoft Word 2007 grammar check and Aziz my housemate..

He was my walking talking grammar checker until I found my confidence to proofread my own entries.

Since I haven't been asking him to proofread my blog entries, I guess he must be itching to write his own blog so he can proofread his own entries.

You can have a look here. Or you can just find his blog on my blog list on the right side of this page.

Happy reading.

Sebab apa aku sayang kau

Aku betul betul menyesal aku tak cakap camni time aku bagitahu dia.


****************************

Kau betul betul nak tahu macam mana aku boleh sayang kau?

Mari sini aku bagitahu

Aku sayang kau bila kau cuba pakai mekap

Tapi resultnya rupa kau macam rakun.

(tapi tetap nampak kiut.)

Aku sayang kau bila kau kata “Bear, ko tak kurus pun takpe lah”

“Coz there’ll be more you for me to love”

Aku sayang kau bila kau ketawa.

Sebab bila kau ketawa, aku tahu kau tengah gembira

(Dan bila kau ketawa, kau nampak kiut.)

Aku sayang kau bila kau kata kau percaya aku

Walaupun ketika itu aku sendiri pun tak percaya aku.

Aku sayang kau sebab kau adalah kau

Aku sayang kau sebab kau tak pura pura

Dan aku tahu kalau kita kahwin nanti,

Tiap tiap kali aku bangun pagi dan tengok muka kau, aku masih akan sayang kau sama macam hari ni

Dan sayang aku pada kau tak akan mati selagi aku tak mati.

p/s: Sorry aku tak berani. Tak sanggup sejarah berulang kembali.

Treasures from the east

I know I should finish my Teaching Reading Methodology interview write-up, but to resist watching these are like resisting "buka puasa" for another 5 minutes.

It's damn funny.

It's more funnier if you can understand Kelantanese dialect.

The story is in three parts. It tells about 3 dudes hungry for buah nangka. Sadly the buah nangka turned out to be not what they expected...














It's so much Nangka FAIL, It's a WIN

Something to cheer you up.

I know me and my Tesl mates are really stressed out right now coz we have fuckloads of assignments to be submitted and tests to be taken before the holidays.

But stop what you are doing right now coz I got something cool I wanna show you.

I found this treasure on youtube.




Never fails to crack me up, those guys.....

Seriously...???

Seriously?

For all these years you are a Tesl student?

And to not notice you when you said you see me all the time at the faculty hanging out...???

I must've been losing my marbles.


EHEM EHEM.

How you doin'...?

Top 3 Craziest Thing That I have done Chart #2

Seriously, I don't want to write this at all.

But a friend of mine insisted that I write this post. Since he's my brother from another mother and father, I don't wanna disappoint him by not writing this post.

Again, KEEP THIS TO YOURSELVES. NEVER REPEAT THIS TO ANYBODY. I'LL MURDER YOU IF YOU DON'T.

*************************************

A couple of years ago while I was returning home from the faculty, I tuned in to FlyFM Rush Hour with Prem and Jules.

Then when they said FlyFM Myvi Cruisers were in Shah Alam for the day, I immediately went straight to their location of the second last crossing, which was at Extreme Park, Section 13 Shah alam.

But I was a bit unlucky. They were leaving the place.




I persuaded the guys to tell me where the last crossing would be, and they said it would be at Uitm Main Campus near Mawar College.

So I shot straight to the location, despite that they would only be there in the next 2 hours.


**************


After 2 hours of waiting, they came.

Sorry for the low picture quality. It was dark.

As usual, they gave freebies to those who came, and if you answer their questions and play their games, you got more freebies.

I got a lot of freebies from them. I got the latest issue of Junk Mag, a manicure set, note books, memo pads, an alarm clock, 7 up revive, and for some strange reasons, they were giving out Kotex Style. And they gave me two of those.

Oh and I won a free VIP pass to a party at Zouk. It came with free bottomless liquor. But I sold those passes to someone else. All in all, aside from the VIP passes, the freebies they gave me were kinda cool.

But among the things that they gave me, Kotex Style sparked some kind of weird curiosity in me.


How does it feel? How does it feel?
How does it feel? How does it feel?

That question refused to get out of my brain. So to satisfy my curiosity, I tore one open and wore it.

I removed the adhesive paper and pasted it to my undies, and wore that for around 20 minutes.

I'm not shitting you.

So if you, especially guys, ask me how does it feel, let me tell you this.

It was the most unpleasant piece of clothing that I ever wore. Period.

It felt like putting a live squid inside my underpants, wrapping its tentacles around my b***s.

It also felt weird with the thing brushing against "The-part-which-must-not-be-named".

I don't know how girls learned how to put up with that kind of uncomfortable feeling.

I thought of taking a leak while wearing it, just to test its absorbing capabilities, but I doubt it could withstand my water stream.

***************************

Now I'm beginning to regret writing this post.

Seriously my market among girls now will hit rock bottom.

Ada lagi ke?

Kali ni nak post jiwang sket bole? Sori la kalo korang tak faham. Just untuk aku luahkan perasaan. And korang tak marah kan kalo aku tulis bahasa melayu? jiwa terlalu kacau nak buat Code-switching pegi English.

************************

Pukul 4

Keadaan jiwa - Kacau, tapi tak berapa kacau.

Jalan jalan pegi Bukit Raja sorang sorang sambil dengar mp3. Baru beli mp3 transmitter untuk kereta. jolok benda alah tu kat cigarette lighter, pastu jolok pendrive isi lagu kat benda alah tu, nanti bole play lagu macam2.

Lagu yang keluar: Broery marantika - biar bulan bicara

Layan je la labu.....


Pukul 5.30

Keadaan jiwa - kurang kacau.

Lagu yang keluar: Kris Allen

tengah on the way balik. Jalan jam teruk kat seksyen 7 depan restoran khulafa'. sampai satu u turn, terperasan seorang hot chick dalam kereta bersama lelaki muka so-so. diorang kat u turn, aku kat jalan utama. memang sah sah aku tak bagi can even tengah tengah jam.

so diorang dapat lepas daripada u turn tu, pastu dok kat belakang aku time meredah jam tu.

Jam stand still.

5.33 petang.

Dari ekor mata aku, terperasan banyak gerakan kat rear view mirror. Rupa rupanya hot chick tu ngan lelaki muka so-so tengah cam whore.

Bila diamati, rupa rupanya Dia.

Jiwa naik kacau. Rasa marah, konfius, happy bercelaru.Lalu minda aku bermonolog.

Minda A: Fuck. Dia. Tangkal apa la ko pakai ni safwan! Sial tak habis habis!

Minda B: weh. Kata ko dah get over dia. Wei bodo, dia tu orang kata macam dinosaur ko tau tak. Makhluk pra sejarah. Dah mati tu mati la!

Aku: Shit la weh.... Lepas apa yang aku dapat, perasaan tu ada lagi ke? Pegi jauh jauh! Tu chapter lepas.

Jiwa kurang sikit kacau. GOooosFraba..

Tapi lagi satu sial muncul.
Dan dan time tu jugak,


Lagu yang keluar: Jason Mraz - Absolutely Zero.

Keadaan jiwa: Kacau bilau macam gempa bumi 9 skala ripta.

Dan sebab lagu tu buat jiwa aku makin kacau, abeh 15 hinggit aku buat beli makanan kat bazaar.

Cam sia sia je aku puasa kan?

Old newspaper....

Was about to use this old newspaper to cover the floor for buka puasa.


But took another page from the instead. Coz the page I had in mind had this picture.

He's "happy" and he knows it, and he really wants to show it, so he cupped a feel of his mate's bended ass....

Forgotten picture 2

I don't know what is it with me. I seem to always take pictures, and forgot all about it the next day.

Actually, I've been meaning to post this long ago, but forgot.

****************************************************

Last month, when I was checking out magazines in a mamak shop in section 17, Shah Alam, I saw this Doraemon comic.

Kids nowadays.

Not only they have internet at their fingertips, they even have comic books to aid their study. For a moment, I was quite jealous with them. Back in those days when I took Biology for SPM, I had to work my brain so hard to keep it alert when reading textbooks, while they can laugh at Nobita's stupidity while learning blood circulation system. That ain't bloody fair. But the jealousy didn't last long..

Coz I spotted this on the cover.

"KOMIK EDUKASI".

WATAFAK.

Has Malay language vocabulary become that limited?

Why oh why??????

Why can't they just put "Komik Pendidikan" or "Komik Sambil Belajar" or something? They carry the same meaning for crying out loud.

Bastardizers.

I have a feeling that the reader of the comic can improve his Biology SPM paper at the cost of his Bahasa Melayu score.

Why I was traumatized by listening to the songs on my handphone.

A couple of days back, while I was daydreaming, I remembered I haven't washed my shirts for more than a week. So I decided to wash them and listened to the songs on my handphone.

Repeat: Off

Shuffle: on

Volume: to the max.

The first song that came out from the playlist was Kci n Jojo - All my life

It must be the lyrics that made me decided to tell her about my feelings.

All my life, I've prayed for someone like you
And I hope that you feel the same way like me too,
Yes I pray that you do love me too~

It took years to muster all the courage to tell her that. I was afraid to ruin what we had. But decided to tell her anyways the next day.

Just for the fun of it, I asked my handphone "What would happen tomorrow? Will she reject me?" and then I pressed Next.

Kanye West - Heartless popped out.

In the night I hear'em talk,
The coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road he lost his soul
to a woman so heartless...

Owh shit. For real? This ain't right. No! Next song would be "it"!

The Script - The man who can't be moved.

Some try to hand me money but they dont understand,
I'm not broke but I'm just a brokenhearted man,
I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do,
How can I move on when I've been in love with you.

Aww man, are you serious? Does that mean I'm gonna get turned down by her, but I'll still have feelings for her?

Man, this blows. Then what would happen to me?

Matt Costa - Mr. Pitiful

Oh Mr. Pit, Mr. Pit, Mr. Pitiful,
Who let you down?
Who let you down?
Who let you down?

I'm gonna be pitiful...? Damn, takkan la aku langsung takda happy kot?


Britney Spears - Phonography

Let's talk about biology
make believe you're next to me
phonography phonography
talk that sexy talk to me

Better make sure that the line is clean
make it confidential you and me
phonography phonography
dirty talkin call it democracy

It was then I realized how silly I have been. Asking my handphone about the future? Macam haram....

The next day, I told her about my feelings. She turned me down. Kanye's prediction came true.

Though she turned me down, we are still friends (hopefully). But still, you don't just forget those years of keeping all that feelings bottled up. It lingers on for a while. Much like The Script's song.

Right after she turned me down, I was in a very pitiful state. I called Hajar to tell her about this. She listened to me patiently and gave me some advices. Thanks Hajar. But that means it's strike three. Three songs that predicted the outcome came true. Now that my pitiful-ness has gone, I don't know whether the fourth song will came true.

I'm still waiting for a biology teacher to call me up and talk sexy.....

10 Perkara Orang Tak Tahu Pasal Saya Time Kecik kecik

Tagged from Midin. Since he did it in Malay language, it is only appropriate that I do the same. But I don't think I can recall my childhood as vividly as he could. So I put 10 stories instead.

1) Masa kecik2 time aku 5 tahun, bapak aku, Encik Abu Bakar cuba masukkan aku kat Tadika Yayasan Islam. Tapi bila dia cuba kejutkan aku untuk bangun pagi, aku akan meraung raung taknak pegi sekolah. Sampai sekolah pun aku meraung jugak. Cikgu ngajar huruf A aku meraung lagi kuat. Cikgu time tu tak tahu nak buat apa. Bapak aku last last tak masukkan aku pegi tadika time umor 5 tahun. Yes!

2) Time aku 6 tahun, dia cuba sekali lagi nak masukkan aku ke tadika. Aku buat benda sama. Meraung raung. Tapi kali ni bapak aku bersedia. Bila aku menangis2 tak nak pegi sekolah, dia buat tak tau. Sumpah menyampah time tu. Aku pegi tadika umur 6 tahun dengan perasaan penuh benci.

3) Sebab aku bencikan pegi sekolah time tu, aku cuba cari setiap kesalahan dalam tadika tu untuk buat bapak aku keluarkan aku dari tadika tu. Bapak aku pernah dapat call dari cikgu tadika, dia kata aku tengking budak budak dalam kelas aku sebab diorang bising. Lepas aku tengking, budak2 semua senyap nak mampus. Takde sepatah haram perkataan keluar. Cikgu nak ajar ABC pun payah. Cam ajar ABC kat mayat. Takde respon.

4)Jadi ketika aku umur 6 tahun, walaupun aku bukan ketua kelas time tu, aku secara tak langsung menjadi ketua kelas tak rasmi, ala ala Lord Voldermort. Ketua kelas untuk kelas aku tu aku "cucuk hidung" dia untuk ikut telunjuk aku. Pasal suruh budak2 senyap, suruh diorang beratur sebelum pegi kantin, semua aku buat. Tugas ketua kelas aku time tu bagi salam je. Dasar pemerintah tak guna.

5) Time umur 6 tahun, Cikgu kelas aku, cikgu Rohaya memang best. Aku tak tahu berapa kali aku terberak dalam seluar time kelas dia, tapi dia tetap cucikan bontot aku ngan penuh dedikasi.

6) Aku time darjah 2, aku pernah dapat nombor 3 time periksa akhir tahun. tapi cikgu kelas aku kata orang nombor 1 je dapat hadiah. Jadi aku tak pergi majlis penyampaian hadiah. Last last cikgu bahasa malaysia aku tanya kenapa tak datang amek hadiah. Aku cakap cikgu kelas aku kata orang nombor satu je dapat. Last2 dia bagitau actually hadiah untuk nombor satu sampai tiga. Aku sampai sekarang benci dengan cikgu tu. Aku berdendam. Sebab dia, aku tak dapat kotak pensel ngan buku cerita Aladdin.

7)Time aku darjah 2, aku nak sangat jadi ketua kelas. Gila pangkat kan aku? Tapi jawatan tu dapat kat seorang budak pempuan yang garang gila. Lagi garang dari aku. Nama dia Juliatie. Sebab aku jeles tak dapat jawatan tu, aku selalu bagi masalah kat dia. Pernah sekali dia menangis sebab aku taknak ikut cakap dia. Tapi aku rasa bersalah sangat time tu. Pastu bila tengok dia menangis, kiut la jugak time dia menangis. Dia first crush aku time tu.

8) Time aku darjah 2, Nazim, abang sulung aku yang belajar kat US dah grad, so dia balik Malaysia. Dia sampai Malaysia ngan buku chess satu kotak besar nak mampus. Satu para dedicated untuk OPENING je. belum masuk middle game ngan endgame. Memang gila chess abang aku. Pastu dia ajar aku ngan adik aku, Hafiz. Memang terer la abang aku ajar budak kecik. Sabar je dia layan aku ngan adik aku. Time tu aku selalu menang lawan Hafiz. Tapi nak jadi cerita, Kelab Disney Malaysia time tu tetiba cerita pasal Blitz Chess. Blitz chess ni lawan chess laju nak mampus, sampai kadang2 satu match 2 minit je dah setel. Aku terikut2 ngan syle tu, sampai terabur abis aku jalan. Jadi selepas daripada tu, aku selalu kalah ngan dia. So aku tinggalkan Chess. Hafiz pulak jadi terer gila. dari darjah 5, dia dah jadi wakil sekolah untuk chess competition untuk sampai daerah. Bila dia Form 5, dia jadi wakil Terengganu. Bila aku masuk Pre Degree Tesl baru aku terkial kial nak belajar balik.

9) Aku dulu kurus gila. Sumpah aku tak tipu. time aku darjah satu berat aku 28 kilo je. Hafiz gemuk time tu. Aku selalu ejek2 dia sebab dia gemuk. tapi skang dah reverse. Aku gemuk dia kurus. Dia pulak ejek2 aku. Dia jadi kurus sebab crash diet ala2 Gung Ho. Satu hari setengah pinggan je nasik. Mak bapak aku pening kepala nak suruh dia makan. Salah satu usaha diorang, bagi makan vitamin Appeton yg ada lysine tu. Lysine tu tugas dia menambah selera makan. Tapi masalahnya vitamin tu pun dia tak makan. Dia bagi aku. Aku bedal je la. Last aku jadi gemuk gila, dia jadi kurus gila. Pandai je dia sabotaj aku.

10) Masih lagi cerita pasal Hafiz, Dulu aku time darjah 2 selalu buli dia sampai menangis. Menangis je tau la suara sapa. Tapi pernah satu hari tu, dia stay up sampai pukul 2 pagi nak tengok cerita Kungfu mabuk Jackie Chan punya pasal. Esok nya dia pulak buli aku. Aku ketuk kepala dia, dia bagi aku Hikmat Telapak Tangan Tanpa Bayang kat muka aku...... Mampu ko nak lawan?

That's as much as I can remember. God, I wish I could be a child again.

Ok, enough reminiscing about childhood, let's get back to here and now. Shit. Gotta study for Multicultural counseling test tomorrow. Test will be at 8.30. Damn, I'm screwed.

For goodness's sake...

...grow some balls, Safwan.

satu post nakal dari anak nakal.

One fateful day before the semester starts.


Situation: My mom, my dad, Hanim my sister and me were having lunch.


Hanim: Ayoh, ayoh sayang orang dok?

Dad : (Malas nak layan) Sayang sikit sikit. (Lalu menyuap nasi dalam mulut.)

Hanim: Ayoh sayang mak dok?

Dad : Malas jawab. (Sambil menggumpal nasi dalam pinggan.)

Hanim : Kenapa?

Dad : Kekgi Wang tulis dalam blog dia.


Lantas dia mengambil nasi yang digumpal tadi untuk dimasukkan ke mulut, tapi dia masukkan slow slow. Kadar kunyahan 0.5 rpm. Satu tenungan tajam diberi dari ayah aku. Muka threatening. Serious macam villain villain cerita James Bond. Tapi aku maintain kool. Siap gelak gelak.

Oh Ayoh. Ketahuilah bahawa anakmu yg tengah ni mempunyai 1001 idea idea nakal untuk mention Ayoh dalam blog Wang dan nampak kiut.

Selamat Hari Lahir ke-61, Encik Abu Bakar.

Tua macam mana pun anda, anda tetap hensem.

Picture taken 2 years ago in Langkawi Island.

P/s: Ayoh nak cakap ayoh sayang Mak la tu, kan, kan? Betul tak? Hehehehehe....

Haiku from Hell

Boom! The door opened
She found Him, stunned on His bed.
His words have failed Him.

She did not know why
She thought He was so special
He is a bastard.

He fucking used Her.
He was the reason behind
The tears in Her sleeps

Then She came to him,
decided to end His life,
She slitted His throat.

Blood came gushing out
as He heard Her words clearly
before He gave in.

"Happy you were here
but happier you are gone
Godspeed you bastard!"

She then turned away.
Unnoticed He had a gun,
He pulled the trigger.


********************************************


Is this a Haiku?

Firdaous said a Haiku is supposed to picture a beautiful scene, since back in those ancient days they don't have cameras in Japan.

Entri Sia Sia

Do I have to answer your questions?

The answers are clear, aren't they?

Sebab aku suka kau la, sengal.

Getting to know you

Walaupun dah lama lepas,

Thanks to Firdaous sbb buat Getting To Know You, Yes You! program a success! I know you sacrificed a lot.

Rest in peace now, ok? (Oh dem. That doesn't sound right.)


Thanks to the committees sbb tolong Firdaous buat! mati la dia tu kalo takde korang.


And sorry gak to firdaous sbb aku volunteer tak cam volunteer. Time suruh cari barang ngan promote G2kY ni aku slalu escape. hahahha....

If any of you who missed this event, U guys missed a lot. No kidding.

pictures on facebook. Malas nak upload.