A letter to God

iDear Allah,

Thanks for everything. With Your permission, I can again take another breath and continue to live.

I need your help and guidance right now more than ever. I don't know how to put what I have in mind right now into words. I don't know why, my Lord, but somehow I can't write like I used to write. I know I can write better but somehow, I just can't. My inspiration was gone.

As you know, there are three things that gives me the inspiration to write. First, it's Your permission and your grace. Second, it's nightfall, and third, the girl I love. You know her, don't you? The one from my school... You've watched the whole thing happened..

It's night right now, and I don't know whether You have taken away my ability to write, but I'm struggling right now. The words don't flow out of my hands like it used to. Maybe it's because one of the three things is gone, which is her.

I love her my Lord. I really do, and I still do. I even wrote an undelivered poem about my love to her. But I did something stupid that made her angry and she stopped talking to me. I regret what I have done and I am very sorry for what had happened. If you had given me the power to turn back time, I'd tell my old self not to do what I did.

She is really one of a kind. She's whatever the moon has always meant, and whatever the sun has always sing. See how lousy I am right now? I even have to copy and paste a line of EE Cummings' poem to describe her.

Right now, she won't talk to me. Her anger right now is still burning the same way it has been burning for two years. I did everything I could to work it out, but it failed. I have no one to turn to except You. Only you know how empty it feels inside me. I may look like I'm having the time of my life on the outside, but inside, it's so dark, and empty.

I really hope for your miracle. If somehow she found this letter I wrote to you, I hope she knows how sorry and how much I am suffering right now. And I hope she can forgive me...

But if I'm not worthy of her, please give me a sign...

By the way, I hope you can keep my mom and dad safe during their Umrah. Yes God, they are going to visit your house again on 19th till 30th June. I hope you can protect them and make their journey flow smoothly.

I hope you can keep my remaining grandparents healthy. My younger sister said grandpa has been having weird dreams. She said he has been dreaming about meeting his long dead friends for quite a while now...

If it's not any burden to you, I also hope you can also Bless my friends. My primary schools friends, my secondary schools,my friends during the short communication course in PTPL college, my friends from KUTPM,and all my friends from UiTM. All of them.

All of them have been very good to me, and I value them. They are the people who picked me up when I was down. I know they could have kicked me in the gut back then, yet they chose to pick me up instead. They supported me through my tough times. Thank you for allowing me to meet those wonderful people.

If you can, can you send my regards to Muhammad bin Abdullah bin Abdul Mutallib?

Thank you for letting me live. I know I haven't been among the best of Your servants, yet I'm asking so much from you, but I'm working on it. Thanks again for everything.

Your servant,
safwan