pewangi lucah

This has got to be the most obscene cleaner....






Pepek semerbak????? Dem~ Hihihihihi~ Somehow, I can imagine a situation when saying this brand name would raise eyebrows.....


Gadis A: Weh, mintak Pepek ko. Sikit je aku nak..

Gadis B: What????

Gadis A: ala... Yang semerbak mewangi tu......

Gadis B:??? Gila apa!??

Gadis A: Ala.... Sikit jer.... Please....

Gadis B: Ish ko nih! Aku bukan orang camtuh! Cuba insaf sket.....Ingat Allah banyak banyak....

Gadis A: Tak nak bagi sudah...! Orang nak pinjam sabun nak basuh bilik air pon kedekut taik idong masin...!

Gadis B: .................[speechless]

(The picture was given to me by Nadzrah.)

I'm alive!

This entry is full of curse words. If you can't bear seeing it, close down this window. I just couldn't bother censoring my blog.


*************************************

Although this blog is in pause mode, I just couldn't resist updating it.... XD

Especially when a near death experience just occurred a few hours ago..

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My family and I was on our way to Terengganu from Johor Bahru. In case you don't know this, we're moving to Terengganu next year.

So today, we brought some stuff to put into our new house.

Wait, did I say some? A lot actually.....

It took two cars to transport only four people, and just imagine how much stuff we were carrying.

My dad, my mum, and my lil sis took one car, and I drove alone with another car.

Me, being the lone driver would mean more load in my car.

More load leads to heavier car, heavier car causes my car to accelerate like a snail on diet.

My car's boot was full, and not to mention the back seat and the passenger seat. Before driving, I noticed that the car was lowered as hell. I took a look at the trunk, and saw a cooking gas tank. My dad says he wants to cook during our stay...Since we planned to stay until Raya Haji, takkan hari hari makan luar...?

*************************

We used Jerangau-Jabor road. In case if you don't know, this road is notoriously known for taking so much lives during festive seasons, no thanks to its blind corners and uneven terrain which cause a lot of blind spots.

I was happily driving, until I stumbled upon this lorry carrying WAAYY to much logs than the lorry can handle.

The road then wasn't that steep of a climb, but it did made the lorry slow down. Or so I think

So I tried to overtake the lorry. I dropped down two gears, and began to gather speed. But the car is sooo heavy...

Little by little, I gathered speed to climb that hill, but as I was overtaking that lorry, I noticed something wrong.

"Tadi aku dah potong sparuh jalan, apesal ni dah macam lagi banyak balik?"

So I floored the paddle as hard as I could. It accelerated a bit, but the lorry deliberately gained speed during the climb.

At this point, I didn't dare to continue overtaking that lorry as I was reaching the apex of the hill. A blind spot. I slowed down, and I got back to the tail of the the lorry.

Just as I got into the back of the lorry, a speeding BMW shot past from the opposite direction.

I was so lucky. If I didn't bail out then, I would've collided with that BMW. The gas tank would've exploded, and I would be reduced to smithereens...

I checked the situation again, this time, I was sure it's clear, then I overtook the lorry.

As I was overtaking that lorry, I looked at the driver, only to notice him looking at me too, LAUGHING HIS ASS OFF.

I was so pissed off with that motherfucker.

THAT SON OF A BITCH COULD'VE KILLED ME FOR GOD'S SAKE!

HOW CAN HE FIND A THRILL IN PUTTING PEOPLE'S LIFE TO DANGER!

I COULD'VE DIED, YOU DUMB ASS!

I cursed that lorry driver for a good ten minutes, which also included a fantasy of me giving that stupid driver a bitch slap.

I pictured myself raising my right hand like a croissant, and WHAM! Down goes the idiot.

******************************

I know I should be thankful that I am alive and all that cursing wouldn't do a thing to him, but at least I got my anger out of my system.

And Alhamdulllah, all of us arrived in one piece.........


P/s: Will update blog if I got internet connection. Never thought a budget hotel would have a wireless connection

On Pause.

This blog will be put on rest mode.

Tomorrow, right after subuh prayer, me and my family are going to our Terengganu.
Dunno how long we'll be there, but I have a feeling it's until Hari Raya Haji.


Will be away till then......
Don't miss me ya? And don't delete my link from your blogs too......

Will update as soon as I got back......InsyaAllah....

From Slip of tongue

Combs and hair gel is my enemy.

A word of caution: "This post is super long. JIWANG ALERT!"

Irma, sorry it took me so long, but this is my answer to your tag. Kinah, this may answer your tag also...


**********************************************************************

People always tell me these.

"Safwan, why don't you comb your hair? And while you're at it, put some gel on."

"Bear, serious, kalo ko sikat rambut, taruk gel, sumpah ko hot."

I always tell them this.

"Actually my skin is very sensitive. If I put on hair gel even just a little, The sweat would dissolve the gel, run down to my face and clog my pores. Then it becomes Jerawat. So when I comb my hair, there's no way the style is gonna last for the day. Can't even to make it to 30 minutes. Might as well I never combed at all."

And they would go like, "Ooh..."

Actually, that is half true. Although it is true that my face grow jerawat if I put on hair gel, there's another incident that made me traumatized of combing my hair.

*********************************************

I moved to Kl from Batu Pahat when I was Form Two, and I studied at SMK Lembah Keramat. It was the last day of school. My school session was the afternoon session.

I usually go to school by bike, but it must have been broken that day, I can't remember why, but I had to ask my dad to come and pick me up. I waited at a bus stop, almost nearly 7 pm, and was quite pleasantly surprised to see a beautiful girl sitting next to me.

Back then, I was very shy. And I mean VERY VERY SHY. I stammer A LOT when I talk to girls at that time.

But I don't know what magic she casted upon me at that time, I managed to pluck my courage to strike up a conversation with her.


Me: Hi, tak balik lagi ke? Dah nak Maghrib nih.

Her: [Giggles]. Tak, kita tunggu bapak kita... Safwan?

Me: Eh? Camner awak tau nama kita?

Her: Kita satu kelas ngan awak la.....


This beautiful girl is in the same class with me and I didn't notice???!! FOR THE WHOLE YEAR???!!!


Me: Ye eh? Kita tak perasan pon?

Her: Ala...kan kita org yang duduk sebelah Dayah....Cuba ingat balik..

Me: Ya eh? hihihihi.....

Her: Ok lah Safwan, bapak kita dah sampai tu. Bye!


I don't know how I feel about her. It was like something else. Something that made me wanna get to know her more.

I wanna know her.

After that, I prayed, "God, Oh God! Please, let her be in the same class with me the next year..!"

Alhamdulillah, He answered my prayer.

She was in the same class with me. I don't know a thing about her except her name.

From that moment on, I tried to get to know her.

The thing about her was that she always hang out with her cliques.

At that time, (and until now) I never had a girlfriend. So you can just imagine how clueless about girls I was at that time.

I approached her like a stalker.

Thinking back, I was so stupid.

I got close to her friend, so that I can get close to her. From Form 3, I did that until I was in Form 4.

I didn't have a handphone at that time, which I think made me getting close to her a pretty tough job. The only time we would talk is during classes, which is not much.

But from what I can see, she was the kind of girl your mother would want to have as a menantu.

She puts Allah first in everything. Rasullullah second. Al-Quran third. Then her mother, then her mother, then her mother, then her father. So whoever guy fortunate enough to be with her would have to settle for 8th spot.

Very much like Farihah, I think. Come to think of it, the way she talked was unmistakably the same like her.


*********************************


Come Hari Terbuka, when parents come to your school to get your report cards, I chatted with a then friend of mine, Nizam. We weren't allowed handphones in school at that time, but he managed to slip it in somehow.

So I checked it out.

I looked through his messages, and saw that he was very close with her. Super close.

I asked him,

Me: Yo, ko kamcing eh ngan Gadis X?

Niz: Agak ah.

Me: Ko bf dia ke?

Niz: Tak ah. Dia dah ada lar. Tapi dengar2 crita dia tgh gaduh hebat ngan bf dia. Nape?

Me: Ntah ah weh. Aku rase cam agak suka gak dia tu....

Niz: Try ah. mane tau jadik.


So, the next day, I braved myself to tell her. I gathered all courage I can find, and was ready to tell her I like her.

So I told her. I didn't tell her how long have I waited for that moment. When she asked me what made me fall in love with her, I said she was beautiful.

And my friends, that shows how clueless I was with girls. If you think right now I am clueless, back then I was even cluelesser.

As expected, she rejected me saying she wanted to give her current relationship a chance. She also said beauty isn't everlasting. There's a lot of girls out there that's far more beautiful than her.

I backed off.

I know a lost battle when I see one.


***********************************************


Being rejected by a girl for the first time in my life, I can't say it didn't have any impact on me, coz it did.

From Slip of tongue

(2 days after the incident)

After that incident, I was left with a trauma. Ever since that incident, I became afraid of telling other woman I like about how I feel.

I fear rejection from her.

I fear the isolation after her rejection.

And that's what has been keeping me from telling any girl I like about how I feel.

Even if I do manage to pluck out the courage to tell her I like her, it will be too late.

[enter background music: Michael Learns to Rock - 25 minutes]


*******************************************************

Right now, you must be wondering: What do combs and hair gel have got to do with the story of my first crush?

Well, my friends, the fateful day that I confessed to her was the first day I combed and put on hair gel.

(I use my fingers to comb before that, coz dasar selekeh... And I still use my fingers after that incident. Trauma siot!)

Moral of the story: to me, sikat rambut = bad luck.


p/s: If you know who she is, or by any chance managed to figure out through my hints, keep it to yourself.

p/s: This is by far the most tasking post I ever written. 6 hours of staring into this computer spread over 5 days.

UiTM's Great Lockdown

Finally, some civilization.

INTERNET AT LAST!!!

Mwahahahaha.......... Now I'm at my bro's house. Waiting for Emir to come back from Muar so that we can hang out together...Boys day out bebeh!

Mabuk - mabuk and all..... (joke)

*****************************************************

On 17th November, Aziz asked my help to submit his borang penangguhan bayaran PTPTN at UiTM HEP. His flight was on 3pm, but had to be at LCCT before 1pm. So tak sempat la nak dijadikan cerita.

Being a housemate yang penyayang, mulia dan berhati murni, tolong je la hantar although I hadn't read anything for Counseling paper the next day.

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Went to UiTM main camp at 2pm, and I was surprised to see traffic jam. I went in from the back door, and it went all the way inside. I was hungry at that time, so when the crawl reached Dataran Cendikia, I stopped by for a lunch and solat zohor, and thought of going to HEP after the jam subsided a bit.

But the crawl was longer than ever.

At first, I thought maybe it's usual, since it was lunch hour, or maybe people somehow dapat hidayah nak solat jemaah beramai ramai. Hari nak Kiamat kot.

But after 1 solid hour and the jam still hadn't subsided? Something's up, I think.

So I postponed submitting that form. I planned to submit it the next day instead. I went out through main gate, and was surprised to see that the jam continued to Rapid KL bus stop at Section 2.

********************************************

And the next day, I got the answer for the jam earlier.

Don't think only Raja Petra Kamaruddin has Deep Throats planted in the government.

I also got maa!

Only mine was at one of the UiTM's hostel.....

The following was the conversation I had with him. I have to use different dialects to camouflage who he really is.



Me: Gila la weh. Semalam aku pi Main camp jam gile. Dari pintu seksyen 7 sampai bus stop rapid seksyen 2 siot!

DT: Actually, aku tau pasai pa. [Utara Dialect]

Me: Awat?

DT: Ko nda tau ka? Semalam ada bilik kena rompakan bersenjata bah! Bawak parang lagi tu! Itu orang luka parah oh...! 6cm luka di muka! Kena jahit nih! [Sabah dialect]

Me: Betul bah?

DT: Yo lo ah! Kawe dok samo level kot ngan ore tu. Saing kawe la tu. Nyaknyo bbudok. VC mari tgk kat PK, yo oyak "Nasib baik selamat.." Selamat nate gedio! Budok tu pah nyawo2 ike doh tu. [Klate dialect]

Me: Pah sek2 yo repot dok polis?

DT: Har...Hok ni la Le Creme de La Creme dalam crite ning. [Terengganu dialect]

Me: Bakpe?

DT: Mu tahu dok? Puak2 ye buleh gi kabor ke pok gad je. Pah pok gad agah konon nok setel dalam je. Kalu skill srupe CSI dakpe gok. Ni skill supe SPM dok lepas. Doh lame orang tu chow baru nok mari. Pah bile mari tu, buleh pok gad tu gi tanye gini, 'Yang hang pi tidoq tgh2 hari buta ni pasai apa?'

Me: LOL.

DT: Itu ler... Dah lambat bebenor dah pastu baru la diorang dapat idea nak wat roadblock. Itu pon teman dengar cite dari Deep Throat Alamanda, dia kate time diorang tgh setting wat road block, penyamun tu da bg IC ngan Student kad kat kolej dia. [Perak dialect. tak brapa nak jadi]

Me: Ler...Gitu skali ropenye....Ish3....Pasal ape la diorg tak btau je polis?

DT: Aku rasa la kan, pak Gad nak jaga nama baik UiTM.... Tapi tak kan la sampai lagu tu, no? Lepas depa frust pak gad bolayan, baru depa pi repot polis....[Kedah]

*******************************************************

Dem son~

OK lah. Better stop here before they press charge against me. ACT 174 says I can't make any press statements regarding anything inside UiTM.

Dem~



P/s: Do blog entries count as press statements? I'll be in deep trouble if it is....

I talk cock when in distress.

I just had my third language exam just now. Once again, I think I screwed it up bad.

I can't even recognize the Hiragana characters, yet the questions had the nerve asking me to write in Hiragana.

You on weed son.

**********************************

The day before the exam, at the library, I studied Japanese with my classmate, Ezhan. Aziz was tutoring syntax to a group of 5 juniors.

Ezhan and me spent most of the day remembering Hiragana characters, but to no avail. At one point, we were stressed out to the max.

At that precise moment, one of the juniors that Aziz was tutoring syntax to were stressed out as well, so this person went to our table and chatted. Let's call her Gadis X.


Gadis X: Tgh wat ape nih...?

Me : Study Jepon ler...Macam haram.

Gadis X: Apesal plak?

Me : Dah nak muntah tgk karekter2 ni pon still takleh nak masuk. Cam celake. Salah aku gak...Time kelas datang lewat hari2.. Kelas pukul 10.30, pukul 11.50 baru sampai..12.30 kelas abes.... Masuk2 je, sensei cakap "Ohayo! safwan san! OHISHASHIRBURI!" [morning, safwan! LONG TIME NO SEE!]

Gadis X: Hahahaha [Flicked my Japanese language textbook] Watashi wa Rohana desu... Raju san wa sensei desu...... Apa maksud desu ni weh?

Me : Desu tu maksud dia "sial".

Gadis X: Serious?

Me : Serious shit. Tengok nih. Watashi wa Safwan-san desu. watashi tu saya. wa tu cam is in English. safwan san tu nama aku la. therefore, desu tu maksud dia sial la. Kalo translate, "Nama aku Safwan, sial."

Gadis X: Still tak caya.

Me : Betul lar. Lagi satu. "Raju san wa sensei desu". "Raju tu cikgu, sial". "Kochira wa Tanaka san desu". "Orang ni nama dia Tanaka, sial". "Toshokan wa doko desu ka?". "Library kat mana, sial?" Pastu ko reply, "Asoko desu". "Sana sial".

Gadis X: .............[speechless]

Me : Itu lar.... Jepun ni bahasa dia cam kasar la sket.


Pandai2 je statement aku. Kelas pon datang lewat lagi mau buat statement bodoh.


Gadis X then went back to Aziz's study group. And I continued practising the characters. After 5 minutes or so, another person from Aziz's group came to my table.


Gadis Y: Weh, serious ke Gadis X cakap tu?

Me : Cakap ape?

Gadis Y: Desu tu maksud dia "sial".

Me : Mak Aih! Jujur Alam percaya tu dah kenape...hahahaha.... [ gelak tak henti henti]


And that is why my friends, I can't be a good teacher.
Who knows, someday I'll be stressed out so much, I tell my students:

" 'Good morning' tu sebenarnye perkataan mencarut paling keji dalam sejarah peradaban manusia yang saya tak patut ajar sebenarnya."



p/s: Irma, tag anda lepas exam ya? Terlalu stressed out utk menulis post tag. Kang tertulis benda lain pulak jadinya.

p p/s: So stressed out coz of psychology exam, I created a new theory myself. "Safwan's theory of love and attachment." I plan to write a thesis about this. Serious. Don't laugh. Take that Broenfrenbrenner....

Nafsu buas saya

If you think I'm going to post a blog with an ehem ehem connotation, too bad coz this ain't one of them. Sorry for getting your "hopes" up for no reason... hehehe....

Just read Jeng's blog, and I have made my own...

Top 10 list of food that I am craving.

10) My mom's Ikan Merah goreng kunyit.

Simple, yet delicious. It's to die for. Aku sendiri pon tak tau camne bole jadi sedap mak aku masak ikan goreng. Maybe sebab dia baca Bismillah, baca selawat, and berkat air tangan ibu.

9) Burger King's double black pepper whopper with cheese.

Heart attack waiting to happen, this is.

8) Haji Wahid's mee rebus.

Have you ever watched Cooking Master Boy's anime or any other cooking movies that used absurd effects that you might think it's not possible? Lemme tell you something. It is do-able. The restaurant's cook is the proof. The cook is super skilled, OK! He is blazing fast! And the mee rebus, man, it is super delicious! Freshly boiled noodles and bean sprouts drenched in thick creamy gravy with Pindang boiled egg, parsley, fried onion, condiments, with a hint of soy sauce and vinegar. Get a bowl at Plaza Angsana, Johor Bahru. RM3.50 a bowl.

7) Keropok Lekor Losong.

It's a known fact that Terengganu dudes make the best Keropok Lekor. They make it so damn good it'll kick those KL "keropok lekor losong" wannabes' ass all the way to Hong Kong.

One thing I notice about KL keropok lekor is that the flour:fish ratio is never correct. They always put in too much flour, making it very rubbery like. Terengganu made on the other hand, especially Losong never failed to get it right. They put in more fish, so that it'd be crunchier, and tastier. It's always fresh. You can actually see the workers working the dough just behind the counter.

6) Intec's fried chicken

Always crunchy, always fresh, always hot, and always delicious.

5) Kak Ida's bihun goreng.

She used to take care of me and my siblings when our parents went to work. Her bihun goreng is something different. Ayam sikit gile. Sayur takyah cerita la. But the taste, MAK AIH! Sangat best bila disatu padukan dengan keropok keping. I always had three helpings (at least) of her bihun goreng.

4) My own spaghetti bolognaise.

I know this will sound like so promote diri sendiri, but I miss my own spaghetti. But to make it is very expensive, to the point of becoming very un-student like. Spaghetti - RM 4, Sauce - Rm 9, Meat - Rm5, Parmesan Cheese - Rm 5-9. And that's for 5 times of cooking. Tak sampai 3 hari. Plus my Shah Alam house ain't got a fridge. Can't even make it to day 2 without half of them went rot.

3) Kekda's home made lasagna.

Kekda is my sister. Her lasagna is very good. Lasagna strips layered with bolognaise sauce and home made Alfredo sauce, topped with generous helping of mozarella cheese and Parmesan Cheese shreds, it is like hearing a classical orchestra symphony. Rasa terbang - terbang bila makan. (Kekda, balik rumah abang or rumah JB laju laju.)


2) Big Mac.

I can still recall how Big Mac saved my life during Part 2. It's a good thing that the after ethic's project, we kenduri-ed at McD, and they were kind enough to give us free entry coupons for Big Mac Chant Challenge. I got like 10 of them, so I just redeemed it for a week's supply of Big Mac. Now I know what made Big Mac So special.

"Two all beef patties,
Special sauce, lettuce,
cheese pickles onions,
on a sesame seed bun!"


1) Kekda's chocolate chip and almond cookies.

Sekali lagi, masakan kekda. It 's like Famous Amos's. Sweet, molten Cadbury's milk chocolate, crunchy roasted to perfection almonds, generous measure of chocolate chips, they will drive you crazy for more.


Well, that's my list. What's your's? ;)

The days

I dread Doomsday. But there's also one day that I've been dreading ever since I hit puberty.

That day is today, November 3, 2008.

Coz this is the day that I will turn 20.

I DON'T WANNA GROW UP! NOOOO!!!

I refuse to be twenty! I wanna be TWENTEEN instead!

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You see, when you turn 20, there are things that people expect from you.

They expect you to be much wiser.

They expect you to be more matured.

They expect you to be able to think for yourself, and judge right and wrong for yourself.

All because the number one in front of your age is replaced by number two.

The thing is, I'm not.

I'm not what you'd call wise and matured. Half, if not all, of what I say everyday is actually a load of bull. I can't think for myself. I can't even make my own decision. I take up TESL coz of eeny meeny myne moe. Every time me and my friends go out, I'd just let them pick out the place we should hangout. My decision making is that hopeless.

And my judgment skills aren't any better. I did loads of stupid things I wish my mom wouldn't know. Hopefully she doesn't know. One thing's for sure, I'm not gay.

I just can't picture myself being a wise old dude saying wise things.

Ok, I'm digressing now.

Where was I?

Right. When we grow up, things also get tougher (duh!). It's been a long time our homework' difficulty is something like 2+2=___?

It's been a long time that I would raise my hand and jump up enthusiastically in classes so that teachers notice me when she asked questions.

It's been a long time since I bombarded my dad with questions like

"Ayah, ayah! Kalau Singa tu Raja hutan, harimau tu ape? Permaisuri hutan eh?"

"Ayah, ayah! Itu burung ape? Burung tu makan ape? Tak sakit ke dia makan benda tu?"

"Ayah, ayah! Tengok ni Wang lukis ape kat tadika! Wang lukis muka ayah!"

"Ayah, ayah! Tengok! Wang tuyih (tulis) mende kat kerusi kete tu!"


And he was always patient with me when I did those things. Now I know how annoying it would be.

It has been a long time since I did those things. I miss those days.

But the thing is, once you grow up, you can never regress back. It's the law of nature.

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I guess I'll just have to adapt myself with those changes. That's what I supposed to do, isn't it? Coz no matter what I do, things will always get tougher by the second.

Even when I call myself a twenteen years old.