dear diary

Dear slip of tongue

I've been putting stuff inside you since 2007.

The main reason was at that time, I was at the lowest point of my life.

1) I turned down RM180k a year scholarship for Air Asia Pilot for a TESL Degree, and people called me stupid for letting this opportunity go. I had to prove to those naysayers that I can live with a teaching degree.

2) I was lonely. Depressed as...... pressed things. I didn't have many friends. Sure, I have friends from Kuantan, but at that time, I was from a different circle of friends. Making new friends is not my strong suit.

3) I was really lonely. At that time, I think I went through a phase where a guy wants to know what's it like to be in a company of a girlfriend. Erik Erickson says people my age were going through Intimacy vs Isolation Stage. Lol. But thing is, I'm really clueless when it comes to girls. And with me being the weird fat unattractive looking guy, that just repels people from the other gender.

But the weird thing was, with me being so depressed, the things I wrote in this blog is always about things I find funny. Things out of the ordinary. Part of it is because Kenny Sia. Not as funny as him, but for a sad desperate guy, I guess I did ok.

So how come I couldn't do the same things I did back then?

Why can't I see things the way I see back then?

Why can't I still see how awesome this world is even though i'm literally in an ocean of diarrhea?

Damn, man.

Is this the price of old age?

Mendengar lagu ini tanpa jemu

Safwan, 

Ambillah dunia ini sekadar sahaja. Jadikan dunia ini ladang akhirat kau, dan janganlah sedikit pun kau ambil dari dunia ini untuk simpan dalam hati. Rugi engkau seribu rugi! 

it's 2 a.m

something tells me that i shall regret for sleeping late.

Nothing good ever happens after 2 am.

if i die tonight

If i die tonight, what would I leave?
Huge debt or an empire; a legacy?
will i die by my lonesome of beside a grieving family?
will i finish what i've started or they remain incomplete?

have i been a good friend?
a good child?
a good brother?
 a good student?
have i been a good everything?
oh, the things i would give to know,
and to make it up to those that i fall short.

if i die tonight will people forgive me?
if i die tonight will God show me mercy?
If i die tonight will people mourn,
or will they be happy that i am gone?

if i die tonight how long would it take
for her to find someone who would take my place
who would take care of her, cherish and love her,
with love that'd renew with each passing day?
I hope it wouldnt take long
let not my passing be a cause for sorrow.

if i do die tonight please dont weep for me.
kullu nafsin dza'ikatul maut; a taste of death will come for those who have breathed
if i do die tonight, please pray for me.
take lessons from the story of my life,
let not my mistakes happen to thee.

Safwan, have faith...

... Make Doa. Loads of them... Allah is nearer to you than your own jugular veins.